Is it just me, or is there something nice about knowing Plaxico Burress will be spending some time in jail for shooting himself in the leg last November? Let’s be honest… wearing sweatpants to a Manhattan nightclub is reason enough to be put away, but Plexiglass is definitely finding out the hard way that New York State doesn’t mess around when it comes to gun crime. He was originally looking at 3-and-a-half years on three charges, but ended up pleading guilty to a lesser charge and agreeing to two years. (I love how that’s reported… who “agrees” to go to jail?) So he got off with a lighter sentence, but don’t kid yourself, two years in a federal slammer is no easy thing. (I wouldn’t know from experience, I can only assume in this case.) I wonder if he’ll take Mike Vick’s roster spot on the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary Camp football team in Kansas? Anyone else smell a reality series based on ‘The Longest Yard’? I'm looking at you Fox Sports!
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All the talk at the World Track & Field Championships has been about Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt breaking the 100m AND 200m world records. Or has it? Here’s a new one for you: a South African female (we think) distance runner is being tested to prove she’s... a she. WHAAAT?! Caster Semenya won the 800m world title on Wednesday. Three weeks ago, the IAAF asked the South African Athletics Federation to conduct a “gender test” on Semenya. It involves a complete physical medical exam, and reports from a gynecologist, psychologist, and gender specialist… among others. OK, listen up IAAF, I’m about to save you a whole lot of money and time in two short steps. Ready? First: look for an Adam’s Apple. Second: If that doesn’t solve the “mystery”, make her watch ‘Failure to Launch’. If she laughs even once, case solved. You’re welcome.
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Have you ever thought to yourself: “Man, I wish I didn’t have to take this test!” Well, not only did Derrick Rose apparently think that, he acted on it! The University of Memphis men’s basketball program just had its record-setting 2007-2008 season wiped out due to what the NCAA Committee on Infractions is calling “major violations”. Among the charges is one that says Rose (the leader of the Final Four squad) didn’t take his own SAT exam. Um, pardon? How the heck does that even happen? Either SAT Proctors need to ask for better photo ID, or the NCAA needs to stop allowing SATs to be done online. Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a while. But I’m guessing the Tigers aren’t finding it all that humourous. Their record-38 wins AND second-place finish to Kansas at the 2008 Final Four are like the best character on the Muppets… Gonzo! Is it a coincidence Head Coach John Calipari bolted to Kentucky in March?
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So Dany Heatley is set to break his silence at a press conference in Kelowna tomorrow. But he won’t be discussing details on why he wants out of Ottawa. Soooooo, why the press conference Dany? You really think standing at a podium and mumbling rehearsed lines while staring at the floor is going to kill the story ahead of Team Canada’s Orientation Camp in Calgary? How about this: stay home. From the NHL and the Olympics. Canada has more than enough talent to win without you, and the Sens probably don’t want you (or more specifically, you pee-poor attitude) around anyways.
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And yes, Brett Favre is back. I’ve already ranted and raved about how much I’ve grown to hate him in the past few years, so let me comment on the actually signing. Honestly, the Vikings just got a whole lot better. With defences stacking the box to keep an eye on Adrian Peterson, Favre should have plenty of looks downfield. He’ll also play all of his home games in a dome, and he didn’t put his body through the rigours of two-a-days at training camp. But here’s the thing: he knew he was going to sign in Minny three weeks ago. So why wait until now to formally sign? Why not sign three weeks ago, tell everyone you weren’t going to be at the first bit of training camp, then go on a nice holiday to get yourself “mentally ready” for the season? Instead, you screwed over Rosenfels and Jackson and made yourself look like a selfish jerk… AGAIN. (OK, so apparently I wasn’t done ranting and raving about it.) But again, Favre is still capable of being a top-15 QB, so it’s a decent signing for the Vikings. But here’s hoping the Vikes finish 0-16 and get POUNDED by Green Bay October 5th, and in Green Bay November 1st.
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Lastly, I can barely contain my excitement about this… NCAA Football officially kicks off two weeks from today. My Florida Gators are primed to add yet another BCS Title under Tim 'Don't Call Me Jesus... OK, Call Me Jesus' Tebow (and start getting to know the name Deonte Thompson, the new Percy Harvin) although I’m keeping my eye on the one team that beat the Gators last year: Ole Miss. Yup, Eli Manning’s alma mater could very well find itself at the Rose Bowl on January 7, 2010. True, they were a not-so-impressive 9-4 last season (and only 5-3 in the SEC) but they won their last six games, then absolutely slaughtered 11-1 Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl. If the defense can hold the fort, the Rebels could very well be the first huge surprise of 2010.
That’s it for now, enjoy the weekend. And please, if you’re going out clubbing, have the decency to wear some REAL pants. And don’t shoot yourself in the leg. In fact, just leave the gun at home.
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