Plaxico to the Pen!

Ramblings from a busy Thursday in the world of sports…

Is it just me, or is there something nice about knowing Plaxico Burress will be spending some time in jail for shooting himself in the leg last November? Let’s be honest… wearing sweatpants to a Manhattan nightclub is reason enough to be put away, but Plexiglass is definitely finding out the hard way that New York State doesn’t mess around when it comes to gun crime. He was originally looking at 3-and-a-half years on three charges, but ended up pleading guilty to a lesser charge and agreeing to two years. (I love how that’s reported… who “agrees” to go to jail?) So he got off with a lighter sentence, but don’t kid yourself, two years in a federal slammer is no easy thing. (I wouldn’t know from experience, I can only assume in this case.) I wonder if he’ll take Mike Vick’s roster spot on the Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary Camp football team in Kansas? Anyone else smell a reality series based on ‘The Longest Yard’? I'm looking at you Fox Sports!
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All the talk at the World Track & Field Championships has been about Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt breaking the 100m AND 200m world records. Or has it? Here’s a new one for you: a South African female (we think) distance runner is being tested to prove she’s... a she. WHAAAT?! Caster Semenya won the 800m world title on Wednesday. Three weeks ago, the IAAF asked the South African Athletics Federation to conduct a “gender test” on Semenya. It involves a complete physical medical exam, and reports from a gynecologist, psychologist, and gender specialist… among others. OK, listen up IAAF, I’m about to save you a whole lot of money and time in two short steps. Ready? First: look for an Adam’s Apple. Second: If that doesn’t solve the “mystery”, make her watch ‘Failure to Launch’. If she laughs even once, case solved. You’re welcome.
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Have you ever thought to yourself: “Man, I wish I didn’t have to take this test!” Well, not only did Derrick Rose apparently think that, he acted on it! The University of Memphis men’s basketball program just had its record-setting 2007-2008 season wiped out due to what the NCAA Committee on Infractions is calling “major violations”. Among the charges is one that says Rose (the leader of the Final Four squad) didn’t take his own SAT exam. Um, pardon? How the heck does that even happen? Either SAT Proctors need to ask for better photo ID, or the NCAA needs to stop allowing SATs to be done online. Seriously, this is one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a while. But I’m guessing the Tigers aren’t finding it all that humourous. Their record-38 wins AND second-place finish to Kansas at the 2008 Final Four are like the best character on the Muppets… Gonzo! Is it a coincidence Head Coach John Calipari bolted to Kentucky in March?
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So Dany Heatley is set to break his silence at a press conference in Kelowna tomorrow. But he won’t be discussing details on why he wants out of Ottawa. Soooooo, why the press conference Dany? You really think standing at a podium and mumbling rehearsed lines while staring at the floor is going to kill the story ahead of Team Canada’s Orientation Camp in Calgary? How about this: stay home. From the NHL and the Olympics. Canada has more than enough talent to win without you, and the Sens probably don’t want you (or more specifically, you pee-poor attitude) around anyways.
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And yes, Brett Favre is back. I’ve already ranted and raved about how much I’ve grown to hate him in the past few years, so let me comment on the actually signing. Honestly, the Vikings just got a whole lot better. With defences stacking the box to keep an eye on Adrian Peterson, Favre should have plenty of looks downfield. He’ll also play all of his home games in a dome, and he didn’t put his body through the rigours of two-a-days at training camp. But here’s the thing: he knew he was going to sign in Minny three weeks ago. So why wait until now to formally sign? Why not sign three weeks ago, tell everyone you weren’t going to be at the first bit of training camp, then go on a nice holiday to get yourself “mentally ready” for the season? Instead, you screwed over Rosenfels and Jackson and made yourself look like a selfish jerk… AGAIN. (OK, so apparently I wasn’t done ranting and raving about it.) But again, Favre is still capable of being a top-15 QB, so it’s a decent signing for the Vikings. But here’s hoping the Vikes finish 0-16 and get POUNDED by Green Bay October 5th, and in Green Bay November 1st.
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Lastly, I can barely contain my excitement about this… NCAA Football officially kicks off two weeks from today. My Florida Gators are primed to add yet another BCS Title under Tim 'Don't Call Me Jesus... OK, Call Me Jesus' Tebow (and start getting to know the name Deonte Thompson, the new Percy Harvin) although I’m keeping my eye on the one team that beat the Gators last year: Ole Miss. Yup, Eli Manning’s alma mater could very well find itself at the Rose Bowl on January 7, 2010. True, they were a not-so-impressive 9-4 last season (and only 5-3 in the SEC) but they won their last six games, then absolutely slaughtered 11-1 Texas Tech in the Cotton Bowl. If the defense can hold the fort, the Rebels could very well be the first huge surprise of 2010.


That’s it for now, enjoy the weekend. And please, if you’re going out clubbing, have the decency to wear some REAL pants. And don’t shoot yourself in the leg. In fact, just leave the gun at home.



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My New Favourite Athlete

Allow to me start with a giant THANK YOU! to a very special person who came into my life this past weekend. This person grabbed a piece of my heart, while ripping out thousands of others’ in the process. This person is smart, poised, endearing, and cool under pressure. This person is from South Korea, doesn’t speak English, but will probably have to learn pretty quickly. This person stared the ultimate adversity in the eye… and didn’t blink. Not even once. And lastly, this person managed to make a seemingly all-powerful (that is, if you listen to CBS Sports commentator Nick Faldo) athlete look absolutely human. This person is… Y.E. Yang. Yang did what nobody had managed to do in 14 previous attempts: Beat Tiger Woods in a major championship with Tiger holding the 54-hole lead. Did anyone else almost bawl like a baby (out of happiness, not out of sadness for Tiger) when Yang hoisted the Wanamaker Trophy yesterday? Putting my personal feelings for Eldrick aside for a moment, just the fact that somebody FINALLY rose up to the challenge is reason enough to be happy at the result. When Padraig Harrington scored an 8!!! on the par-3 8th, not only did it give me hope for my own golf game, but it also caused my friend to say “Well there goes the only guy who could have caught Tiger!” At the time, I was resigned to the fact that was probably true. But as I was driving home on the Trans-Canada, I listened to radio updates as the back-9 unfolded. (Oh, quick sidebar for the FAN 960… if the PGA Championship is on the 18th hole, and a historic finish is about five minutes from happening, maybe you should delay the “Jays This Week” show and stick with the golf. Just sayin’…) The chip-in at 14 and approach shot on 18 sounded like things of beauty, and when I saw the TV highlights when I got home, I was a little jealous I didn’t get to watch it unfold live. A great finish to a great weekend, and you have to wonder the ripple effect this will have. Tiger showed himself to be human, Yang showed it IS possible to hang with the world’s #1, and the rest of the Tour now has to be licking its collective lips.
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What to make of the Patrick Kane story? I’m glad I didn’t hop on it when it first broke, because it’s looking more and more like he’s the victim of having an a-hole cousin. That’s not to say I think Patty is 100% innocent, but it doesn’t look like he was the aggressor. Although I might still offer him 20 cents when I go to the Kings/’Hawks game in November…
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I love the new jerseys unveiled by Hockey Canada this afternoon in Vancouver. The 2010 Olympic hockey players (men, women, and sledge teams) will look sharp. A red maple leaf on the chest, with mini-versions in the middle representing Canadian hockey’s gold medal counts, and a thunderbird and an eagle supporting and protecting the central maple leaf. It could do without the Nike swoosh on the top-right part of the chest, but you had to know it was going to be there.
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Dear Brett Favre: As mentioned in a previous posting, GO AWAY!
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Big-time drama in Washington leading up to the midnight EST deadline for the Nationals to sign Stephen Strasburg. But with Scott Boras as his agent, I’m guessing Strasburg is headed back into the draft. Pretty disheartening for Nats fans when you consider Aaron Crow did the EXACT same thing last year. Hey bud Selig, explain to me again how baseball in Washington is suppose to be successful? No fans, no talent, no hope. Stay tuned.
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And Mike Vick lands in Philly. I’ve already said my piece about Vick coming back to the NFL (Coles Notes version: I’m OK with it) but Philly? REALLY? Philly sports fans hands-down the toughest to play in front of, and that’s for the home teams! You can bet the first incomplete pass, fumble, sack, etc… Vick will hear boos like he’s never heard before. I hope he has thick skin.

That’s it for now. Have I mentioned I’m a big fan of Y.E. Yang?!



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Wednesday's Thoughts

Is there anything worse than packing up your campsite in the rain? Maybe playing for the Pittsburgh Pirates, but I'd have to say they're neck-and-neck.
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Hey Eli, can I borrow some cash? How the heck is Eli Freaken' Manning the highest paid player in the NFL? The Giants sign Peyton's baby bro to a six-year deal worth $97 million dollars. (It works out to about $15.3M a year.) I understand he led them to the Super Bowl over a heavily-favored Patriots squad in 2008. I get he handles the pressures of playing in the Big Apple pretty well. I know he's the first G-Men QB to ever go four straight years at 3000+ yards and 20+ TDs... But still, isn't there something wrong with him making more money than ANYONE else in the league?
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In other NFL news, Reggie Bush left the New Orleans Saints practice today favoring his surgically-repaired left knee. I'm not one to pick on guys when they get injured (unless it's a stupid injury that was their own fault... I'm looking at YOU Marty Cordova!) so I won't start now. What I will say is this: At least Bush's wonky knee will have him drafted where he should be in fantasy leagues. No more of this "Oh, Reggie is going to break through this year, so I'm taking him with my second-round pick" nonsense. In order for Reggie to "break through", he has to figure out how to break-through a defensive line. Not gonna happen. He's a classic example of a guy who could outrun college LBs sideline-to-sideline, but ask him to find a hole to run though up front? Not so much. He's decent as a kick-returner and maybe in the Wildcat formation, but he's not an every-down NFL running back. By the way, what was his off-season rehab assignment? From what I could tell, it involved "avoiding" TMZ cameras with Kim Kardashian.
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Let's talk some baseball. Why the hell is Roy Halladay still a member of the Blue Jays?! They're not making the playoffs this season, they won't make the playoffs next season, and there's no way he's back in TO in 2011. How is it that everyone else but JP Ricciardi knows that? I guess JP was asking for a king's ransom in return, and potential trading partners just weren't willing to mortgage their entire futures for the Doc. So instead, the Jays are left with a clearly-rattled ace who'll be faced with the same scrutiny at the deadline next year. Which brings me to my next question... Why does Ricciardi still have a job?
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Still on the diamonds, did you see that video of Brewers first baseman Prince Fielder trying to get into the Dodgers clubhouse last night? The Dodgers were up 17-4 in the ninth inning when LA reliever Guillermo Mota plunked Cecil's kid, probably in retaliation for Manny Ramirez and Juan Pierre getting hit earlier in the game. So Fielder went all 'roids and tried eating his way into... wait, sorry, GET into... the Dodgers clubhouse, presumable to put Mota between two slices of bread and... again, my apologies... to CONFRONT Mota. At least that's what the educated guess would be. My guess? Fielder thought he heard a teammate say: "Hey Prince, there's a giant clubhouse near the Dodgers' locker room". After all, who can resist a well-made clubhouse sandwich? Here's the bleep-filled hilarity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-RwPDkNjRk
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In NHL news, the Phoenix Coyotes are still broke, up for sale, and terrible. There is some new drama unfolding in the case, but seriously, wake me up when this thing is over. The WNBA has more appeal to me at this point...
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So Jeremy Roenick and Teppo Numminen are both retiring. 40 combined years, zero Stanley Cups. Ouch. Both guys deserve a lot of respect for the years they put in, and the personal milestones they achieved. But you have to think they'll both have nightmares of never planting a big wet one of Lord Stanley's Mug.
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That's enough of my hot air for one day. Oh, somebody do me a favour. Custom-build a walker with blades to help poor old Brendan Shanahan get on the ice with the Devils. Doesn't he already have 3 Stanley Cups to fill his dreams at night?




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